i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
