So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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