what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
