the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
