the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize