i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
