I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
