I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
