I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
