listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
