If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
