Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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