i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
