Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
