im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
