I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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