Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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