You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
