Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
