no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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