I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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