If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize