If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
