Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
