What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Houston, we have a blender
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
