Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
