Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
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Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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