My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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