I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
