I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
