i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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