I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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