Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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