She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
