By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
