every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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