I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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