Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
