Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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