I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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