Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
