New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
