apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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