Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
