Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
His nipple licking is glorious
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