I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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