It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
