Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
