Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
