I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
