So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
