Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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