You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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