his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who died my cat blue again?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
