Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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